Fae-CaptainofDreams on DeviantArthttps://www.deviantart.com/fae-captainofdreams/art/Haunted-559003444Fae-CaptainofDreams

Deviation Actions

~Haunted~

Fae-CaptainofDreams

Published: Sep 8, 2015

1.4K Views

blackness death deer doe dying

Description

Okay, so a long while back I may have mentioned in an art (which I deleted about a week ago) that I have a relative who comes and stays with us off and on, and is dying.

Her animal guide is the deer which is why the deer for this pic.

She was here close to a week or so ago and...

She wasn't right.

Out of her mind, even and I was alone with her.

It was disturbing.

Everything about her was just totally wrong.

The energy, her mood, just everything in a word, was wrong.

I just sat there in numbness, staring and playing a video game while she talked endlessly and ranted about really disturbing stuff, and as she picked fights with my sister through text messages.

When I tried to stand up for my sis she got mad at me so I backed off, but I love this relative very strongly.

Our relationship is...complicated, to say the least.

Anyway, I was disturbed and worried, and even frightened.

This person has had, frankly, a horrific life.

She's had abusive marriages, she's been raped MANY times, and she's just always in bad situations.

And I feel monumentally sorry for her and my mom and I have done all we can to help her, but sadly chaos is just magnetically drawn to her.

She brings us a LOT of grief and agony, but also brings me love and wisdom (oddly).

But she has serious problems, and so much goes around this that I can't explain coherently.

Like my head is spinning, I just can't even get into it all...

She has several different cancers and other medical conditions and is in constant pain and agony.

She cuts herself.

She's tried to kill herself through pills and alcohol, but it fails every time.

She's suicidal.

I am the one she talks to the most because I don't push her away, but I still get upset with her or feel anger toward her and many times forget why.

It's just there.

I am ALWAYS conflicted with her, and I try to communicate but it always goes wrong.

I had a dream last night that she came back over and I told her about how the last time I saw her I was disturbed and upset by her.

In the dream she was very weak and close to death but I was still cold and mean...

And before anyone points at the anal/vaginal blood in this art and laughs, don't.

She has a tumor up in her and aside from that, the cancer and (possibly) the medications she takes has caused her intestines to bleed, so she leaks blood.

It's awful.

Her stomach is just destroyed.

Last night I heard more about how she's deteriorating, and it apparently stuck.

For whatever reason it really freaked me out an then the nightmare started when I went to sleep.

I can't explain how draining it is to spend a few years watching someone die slowly, praying and asking God to just take her home and then getting mad at Him or questioning Him when He doesn't.

Obviously He's keeping her here for a reason, but i'm constantly wondering "why" and have to make myself stop and just trust Him, and that's hard.

Anymore when I pray I just say "do what you think is right," but I know God feels me deep down preferring He take her home.

But even if He does, then what?
What am I supposed to do without her love, understanding or strange wisdoms?
I have learned so much from her and had so many beautiful times.

My story with her has humble beginnings and has, to my mind, been a story worth telling.

I remember when life was simple, and the most complex thing in my life was her, and it was fascinating and strange and beautiful.

Now every day is a damn whirlwind and it's a daily struggle to keep from drowning in the fear and sadness, and in my subconscious this issue with my relative is a constant weight.

Lately I've been recalling when I first interacted with her, and when she told one of my close friends who ended up telling ME she had cancer.

That friend abandoned me shortly after breaking that God awful news to me, but I wish her well.

Always...

And there are spiders EVERYWHERE.

Spiders are associated with signs, omens and yes, death and darkness.

Some of them are good signs, but others are not.

Everywhere I go, or look, or turn, there is a spider.

Today a spider had a huge web built at the arch of my patio and I couldn't take trash out, which reminded me of how trapped I am.

Not just in this, but in literally every situation in life right now but I won't go there.

And every spider I see reminds me this loved on is dying in front of me and I can't stop it or end her suffering, or force myself to be better for her

Because she also does wrong and I hold her accountable, but she bears burdens too.

I'm SO confused...

I see my own death OC's in my dreams, which to me is significant because I use them to help cope and understand.

Honestly it has helped; they're LITERALLY serving their purpose.

That's great, but wow...

It's like I know it's gonna end eventually and i'll learn a grand lesson from it, but I have to suffer, and someone else has to die and hurt and burn in agony of every kind on a day to day basis.

We have gotten SO so close, a sort of mother daughter bond, one might say~.

And now she's just...

I don't know.

She doesn't even have an aura -- it's just blackness, and it just wafts off of her like smoke.

She should NOT be alive.

If you knew how sick she was, you'd understand why I sometimes nickname her "the living dead."
It's like a real life zombie, she's just falling apart physically and can barely think straight or function anymore.

And she can't live with us because of the chaos she always brings, and she's nearly homeless.

There's so much more to this that just no one can ever realize that makes it that much harder, but I have to get some of this off of me.

I'm just constantly feeling haunted all the time.

Guilty, wanting to make up and every time we make up or things seem good I think "well now she can hopefully be done here and pass away" or something.

But then a moment later, hell breaks loose and then i'm wanting her to die so her pain will end, but then i'm worried she won't move on properly because her death came at a bad time.

I've seen her death angel.

I've seen his face.

These creatures are called Psychopamps and they're not pretty.

Just like reapers, they're skeletal beings in black cloaks, often with wings and a scythe and their faces are hidden.

I've learned, however, that many reveal their faces or become more frightening closer to their "patient's" death.

This one is reaching full power; they ARE angels, by the way.

The living fear them because they're death spirits, even though they work for good.

They give me chills and creeps but no, I am no longer scared of them.

There's a lot to this too but again, too much to explain.

I have been touched by death, which is a reason I fear it less and understand much of it.

It fascinates me.

But watching it work on other people, and seeing how LONG it can take and how much suffering it can bring, I am reminded why it's so scary.

So this rant is scrambled and all over the place, because I just cannot mentally get it together.

So i'm sorry...

And like always i'll feel better soon and feel better since typing this, but today has been a roller coaster and I've had to keep it all inside.

So by getting some of it out now it just helps move my emotional constipation along.

I'd much rather be writing intimate stories between Pepps and Zanza than drawing my relative as a deer with a skull face, spiders and muck oozing out of her mouth and bleeding, but it's had a week or so coming.

My nightmares are what pushed this finally, so I guess it's a good thing.

Thank you if you read all this.

And PLEASE, DO NOT....

Judge me over the spiritual aspects.

God, the spiders, the angels, etc.

DON'T.

I don't wanna be told i'm delusional, or dumb, or idiotic for having a belief system.

This belief system is my life force.

It's the blood that literally courses through my veins.

Wicca, Godly teachings, all of it.

Obviously, I am a unique character of the spiritual sense.

I do not want to see "God doesn't exist" in the comments section.

I don't wanna even go there at all.

On my profile page I clearly state that I accept anybody and everybody and don't judge others.

If you can't respect me the way I naturally respect you, you can stuff it up your ass.

Even if you're a watcher, i'm not gonna suck up to keep you around.

I put my faith and love before that.

So please, if nothing else, just respect me.

Things like this happen once in a blue moon and I just try to prevent it all together.

So thank you for complying.

I know i'll be fine but venting it off in writing and knowing someone will see it just helps that a lot.

And to those who ALWAYS read, i'm so sorry to burden you with this.

I JUST have to get this off my chest so I can move on.

Thank you...

---DO NOT STEAL MY CONCEPTS, ART OR IDEAS.---

Image size

2448x3264px 1.58 MB

Comments48

Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

glitterysecrets

Sep 10, 2015

I saw this a few days ago, and it really made an impression on me.
I usually can't look at this type of subject matter, but it's beautiful despite the situation/backstory behind it. The anatomy, coloring (I'm super envious of your traditional coloring. o.o) and the overall composition is wonderful.
You're very talented, and I look forward to your future works. ^^